Lindsey's Reflections

He hasn't responded yet. I'm boarding on obsessive. I keep checking my inbox and there is no response. I'm not sure if I should email him again or give him more time. I mean, I only emailed on Wednesday and today is Saturday so it's only a couple of days and I know from his previous emails that's he's in grad school and this term is super intense and he only has time for reading and essays so that's probably what he's doing but what if he's not? What if he's just deleting my emails? I just wish I knew that was going on. I wish I knew if he as mad at me or if he's just busy or what's going on.

I haven't mentioned this to Ellie or David or anything. I don't want to seem pathetic. People grow apart and I understand that but there has been no warning whatsoever. I don't really know what I should be doing here. I guess I should just wait for a response and if one doesn't come then, I guess that's that.

I really enjoy Valentine's Day. My mom always made Valentine's Day special for me and my siblings when we were younger. She used to make heart shaped cookies and have gifts. Then mom would make a special dinner and light candles. I know sometimes dad would probably have preferred being able to go out to a resturant and getting a baby-sitter, but it was just as nice. I don't think of Valentine's Day as just for romantic love but all kind of love, like family love and friendship love.

I brought a box of valentines and mailed one to each of my friends and to my family members. On this day I want to focus on how lucky I am that I have friends and my siblings and how well my moher is doing now. I don't want to focus on how I'm single. I am not going to be one of those over dramatic girls who use Valentine's Day to moan over how horrible it is to be single. I mean, it would be nice not to but really, I'm okay with being single.

Though, if I were to be honest, after that conversation with Ellie about her and Jay, and just knowing about clicking with someone, I couldn't help but thinking about Sean. What I felt with him was really special. Right when I came back, we use to write a lot of letters and emails to each other but over the past couple of months, it hasn't been so much. I think it's been over three weeks since I last received an email from him. I know I can always email him but I don't know. Sometimes I wish it was possible to back to Ireland.

But I know that's not going to happen so tonight I'm going to focus on the other types of love and just be content in that.

I think I fail as a friend sometimes. I fail at finding the right words or phrase and I can't offer comfort as I should. I am studying psychology, I think I should be able to find the words to help my friends. Yet I can't.

Ellie told me the story about her stalker and I fell silent. David talked a bit about NASA and I fell silent. These things really hurt my friends and I don't have the words for them. I can reach out and touch them, hug them, squeeze their hands, hoping that will tell them how much I care about them but what if it doesn't? What if they take my silence as if I don't care?

I really do care about my friends and my heart is breaking for both Ellie and David. Maybe I should do something for them. Just so they know that I care and want them to be happy. I need to figure out what, however.

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What if nobody likes me
what if I don't succeed
What if I give it all that I've got
and I still don't got what they need
What if I don't get anywhere at all
Will I consider myself a failure
( will I be that small )